Teaching small children how to regulate their big emotions - Parenting Limerick

CHILDREN aren’t born knowing how to manage big emotions, but with the right support, they can learn. Across all human cultures, we experience the same six core emotions: fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness and sadness. Feeling these emotions is a normal and healthy part of being human, yet for children, learning what to do with them can be one of life’s biggest challenges.
This is partly because the parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation are still developing. As a result, children are not yet able to fully understand or manage intense emotions on their own.

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As adults, when our children are overwhelmed by big emotions, our job is to lend them our calm and help them organise their feelings. The ability to notice, understand and manage our emotions and reactions is a skill called emotional regulation. The important thing to remember is that this is not a skill with which children are born. They learn how to regulate their emotions through the steady support of a calm, regulated adult. This process is called co-regulation. Co-regulation happens when we meet a dysregulated child’s nervous system where it is and help guide them back to calm. In everyday life, this might look like staying calm ourselves, offering a gentle hug, listening to what is upsetting them, or simply being present until the storm passes.
We are our children’s most important emotional regulation role models. The way we respond to our children’s feelings and to our own, teaches them how emotions should be handled.
If our child’s big emotions trigger our own frustration or shouting, they learn that this is how big feelings are managed. On the other hand, when we model emotional awareness and healthy coping, we give them tools they can use for life.
For example, saying, “I’m feeling a bit frustrated that I spilled my tea, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths before I clean it up,” shows children that emotions can be recognised, named and managed in a calm, regulated way.
Over time, these everyday moments shape their own ability to regulate their feelings.
It is important to recognise that before we can meet our children’s emotional needs, we first need to check in with ourselves. Regulation starts with the adult. When your child is having a big emotional moment, pause and ask yourself: How am I feeling right now? Has it been a long day? Is this emotion triggering something difficult for me? Am I in a calm enough place to support my child or am I likely to escalate the situation?
Becoming aware of your own emotional state helps you tune into your child’s needs and respond with greater care and patience. This is also where the importance of parental self-care comes in. Looking after yourself is not a luxury, it matters for your own wellbeing, and it also plays a meaningful role in how you support your child. When you’re running on empty, big emotions can feel overwhelming for everyone. Simple things like getting enough rest, moving your body, eating well, spending time doing things you enjoy, and staying connected with friends all help keep you in a healthier emotional space.
When parents are supported and regulated, children benefit too.

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There are many helpful emotion-regulation strategies parents can draw on, including sensory supports, calming techniques, and thinking strategies. Sensory activities such as squeezing a fidget, swinging, or pushing and pulling heavy objects can help release built-up energy.
Calming techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, five-finger breathing, colouring, or listening to gentle music can also be effective. Thinking strategies, such as learning about how the body responds to stress, noticing unhelpful self-talk, and practising flexible thinking, help children make sense of their reactions.
Every child is different, and you know your child best. Finding what helps them feel safe, calm and understood takes time, and it’s a learning process for parents too.

This article was written by Diekololaoluwa Amujo, psychology assistant with the HSE Primary Care Child and Family Service, Limerick. This service is a member of Parenting Limerick, a network of parenting and family support services across Limerick city and county.