'He flushed all my pills down the toilet': Irish woman shares her story of marital abuse

Woman's Aid has shared the harrowing story of a woman who sought help from the organisation after she was the victim of domestic violence.

'Jane's Story' reveals the devasting truth of the woman's experience of living with her husband - the man who abused her while she was pregnant with his child.

"I had been with him since I was 24 years old, we had been married for two years. He was always so gentle and kind to me when we were going out, he always remembered the little things I liked and would surprise me all the time," Jane (not her real name) started.

"When we went out he would be very proud of me and be telling everyone how great I was, he really was a wonderful man. We got married when I was 28 and on our honeymoon he told me that I would always be his. He was very good to my family, always doing little jobs for them on the weekends, painting, fixing the car and stuff like that. They all thought he was wonderful and told me how lucky I was and that he would make a wonderful father".

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Jane explained that her husband wanted children and that he always talked about having six kids.

"I wanted children too, maybe not six, but I wanted to wait a while because my new job was great and I wanted to get the promotion that was coming up the next year. He said I mustn’t love him or I would want to have children with him straight away," she said.

Jane's husband told that she shouldn’t take the (contraceptive) pill anymore because it would mean that she didn’t want his children.

"He flushed all my pills down the toilet and told me not to get anymore from the doctor. He told me he would know if I was taking them and that he wouldn’t be happy with that, he used to check my bag every day before I left for work and when I came home," Jane said.

Every month, her husband would check all the time if her period had come and every month when it did he would get really mad and accuse Jane of taking the pill or getting an injection to stop herself from getting pregnant.

"He would throw things all over the house, breaking stuff, once he kicked a hole in the wall of our bedroom. He wanted to have sex every morning as he said this was the best time to get pregnant, if I said no he would threaten to hurt me.

"After eight months we discovered I was pregnant. He was really happy and told me how much he loved me, I was relieved as now that I was pregnant, his moods would change - he would stop wanting to have sex all the time and checking on me constantly to see that I wasn’t taking the pill or lying to him," Jane said.

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However things then took a drastic turn and he became more aggressive and violent. 

"I was sick for the first three months and was tired all the time. I just wanted to sleep when I wasn’t working, but he said I was being selfish and insensitive to him.

"One morning I was in the bathroom being sick and he came in and started yelling, he told me this pregnancy had made me ignore him and that he was sick of me being sick all the time, he picked up the towel and started hitting me with it.

"I pleaded with him to stop, I told him the sickness would pass after three months and that everything would be ok. I felt so confused, he wanted this baby so badly and everyone was telling me about how happy he was that we were pregnant.

"He didn’t seem happy to me and I was very unhappy. How could I tell anyone? They all thought the world of him. How could I tell them: ‘this person you think is great does these things to me’? I had no words for it.

One morning when Jane was just over five months pregnant, her husband woke up and started kissing her. He climbed on top of her and when she asked him to stop, he got really mad.

"He picked up the phone and started hitting me with it, I tried to get away from him and fell on the floor. He started kicking me in the back, I was so frightened I was trying to hide my stomach, I was so worried about the baby.

"I had bruises all over my back and was so sore from where he had kicked me. Later that day I started to bleed, he took me to the maternity hospital where he told them I had been in a car crash. He cried to all the staff telling them he was so afraid we would lose our baby, he said the crash was his fault and he felt so guilty.

"Later, when he was gone home for the night, I talked to a midwife about what happened, she told me that I should talk to the social worker who could help me to think about what I wanted to do now. The social worker arranged for me to talk with a woman from Women’s Aid who helps women who are being hurt by their partners.

"It was so good to talk to people confidentially, people who didn’t tell me what to do, but who confirmed what I knew – that what my husband was doing was wrong and that I shouldn’t have to experience these things. I got information on how to get legal protection and the woman from Women’s Aid came to court with me.

"He was very angry, he called me horrible names and tried to attack me even though my parents were with me, they couldn’t believe it. I now live with my parents because he kept coming back to our house.

"I will have our baby and I know I will have to see him then but I am getting stronger now and I hope that the courts will help me to sort out custody and access so that I don’t have to see him on my own."

Woman's Aid says that stories like Jane's Story are based on real accounts as told to the Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline and One-to-One Support Services.

Specific details and circumstances have been changed in the interests of protecting identity and to preserve the confidential nature of Women’s Aid Services.

If you or anyone you know is affected by domestic abuse, contact Woman's Aid:

• Contact the 24hr National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900, seven days a week.
• Message their Instant Message Support Service, mornings and evenings, seven days a week.
• Email at helpline@womensaid.ie

Jane's story and more stories like hers can be found here.