Diary of a County Limerick priest – ‘Yes, I have become largely redundant’

I MUST prepare as if Covid-19 is coming for me! I must behave as if I already have it! writes Fr Roy Donovan, parish priest of Caherconlish & Inch St. Laurence.

He was asked to write about how the coronavirus pandemic has affected his life and priestly duties and he kindly penned this piece for the Limerick Leader

Wash hands. Don’t travel. Stay at home. Social distancing. The over 60s are put out as among the most vulnerable. Understandably, because most priests are over 60, we need to be extra careful and even more so given that up to 28 priests have died in Italy because of Covid-19 (as of March 18). Many more are in critical conditions. It is a learning curve, in that we are slowly taking on board the seriousness of our fast facing reality.

I find that the psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief, put forward in her book, On Death and Dying, is a helpful framework for understanding the emotions I am presently experiencing.

These are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It doesn’t have to be in that particular order. Denial tends to be huge - I can’t believe this is happening. Why me? Why Now? It is surreal. I can’t get my head around it. Sometimes I find myself holding my head in my hands. As if my head is spinning and I want to calm it. There is confusion, shock and fear.

I am not sure about the Anger. There was huge anger among people with the Celtic Tiger demise. What is our current mood? There is certain anxiety, irritation and frustration. So many have lost their jobs.

There is Bargaining - a struggle to find meaning in this. I want to reach out to others. I want to tell my story.  

Depression?  Feeling down – very low beat. Feeling overwhelmed / helplessness. No light at the end of the tunnel. How long is this tunnel?

There are brief moments of Acceptance of reality – of  adjusting  to a rapidly changing situation with few remaining securities and certainties. I do find myself being more patient and creative. These moments can be followed quickly with disbelief, shock and further fear. This framework helps me to name what is happening inside me and enables me to maintain good emotional and mental wellbeing.

I could argue that I have lost my job too – in that the whole sacramental system / weekend public Masses which are a large part of my life are gone. I can also identify more with the 70% of people who get on without the sacramental system.

Yes, I have become largely redundant. I am experiencing what Seamus Heaney calls in his poem, Clearances – ‘the space we stood around had been emptied ..... clearances that suddenly stood open’.

I am back to myself the person, Roy, stripped of the priestly roles and priest identity. All the escape routes of being busy and running away have been blocked. 

“It is a bit like the song I’ve Never Been to Me – ‘I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece, been to paradise, never been to me’.

This is good. I welcome this as a great opportunity for quietness, reflection, being in nature, cooking, reading and prayer. It has, at times, the feel of being on a long retreat. Or is it a foretaste of what retirement is like?

On the other hand, I am still 24/7 with mobile and social media connections. We have our parish website, Facebook and weekly community newsletter.

There are the sick calls and the possibility of funerals. Some priests are providing a daily Mass on the webcam from behind closed doors.

Etty Hillesun, the young Jewish woman, who was killed in the Holocaust, states that her practice of prayer became an act of kneeling as if my body was made for kneeling. Her kneeling was not pleading or interceding but ‘Listening to that hidden source within me. That God is discovered as that which is deepest and best in me’.

We have come to the end of the listening process initiated by Archbishop Kieran O’Reilly and now we must plan ahead. Interestingly, listening became Etty’s primary mode of believing. I am listening in other ways too – how am I today, have I got any of the symptoms? Am I coughing? Have I a fever? Am I attending to my immune system? Am I getting enough sleep?

It is to be noted that Bishop Brendan Leahy in his Lenten letter emphasised the need for ‘ecological conversion’ – attending to the earth as our common home. Brazilian theologian Leonardo Boff states, “Not by accident did the virus break out where there is more pollution”.

He believes that “current diseases such as dengue, chikungunya, Zika virus, SARS, Ebola, measles, the current coronavirus and the generalised degradation in human relationships, marked by profound inequality / social injustice and the lack of a minimum of solidarity, are a reprisal of mother earth for the offences that we continuously inflict on her”.

He states that the earth “begs for a different attitude towards her: of respect for her rhythms and limits, of care for her sustainability and of feeling more than the sons and daughters of mother earth, but as the earth itself that feels, thinks, loves, venerates and cares”.

I agree with Boff and I believe that Etty Hillesum got it right. Deep listening became the primary mode of her believing.

Listening to ‘that hidden source that is within me’ and that God is ‘what is deepest and best in me’.