Off The Record: Limerick artist Citrus Fresh gets personal about grief
CITRUS Fresh aka Michael O’Donoghue never expected to write an album about grief. But after losing his cousin two years ago, the Limerick rapper found that all the music he was trying to make was centred around loss.
Since the release of Good Grief, he feels like a weight has been taken off his shoulders.
“My cousin was like my best friend. After that happened, every time I was trying to make music, it was very much themed around grief. It kind of just happened, I didn’t set out to make an album about grieving. It’s definitely deeply personal, but grief is such a universal thing for anyone to go through, that I tried to make it as non-personal to me where I could,” Michael says.
The Thomondgate native says that he went out of his way to not listen to the album, before it was completed.
“Funnily enough, when we finished it a month ago, I went out of my way to not listen to it at all. And then when I actually put it out, I sat down that evening, put my headphones on, and I listened to it for the first time ever, the full way through. I was bawling by the end of it, but in a good and cathartic way,” he says.
Grief comes in waves. And, sometimes, it only takes a smell to bring you back to what once was.
“I was even saying to one of the lads, it’s like I'd wake up one morning and I'd feel I was out of the woods and then a smell could set you off. And then I'm right in the middle of it again,” he recalls.
“It was such a quick succession of feeling high, then back down smacked at the bottom, that I was like, it can really hop that quickly from being good to grieving.”
Through eight tracks, Citrus Fresh takes us through an emotional rollercoaster, with a colloquial-like style.
Produced by 40hurtz aka Eoin Maguire, Good Grief features several artists, including Strange Boy and Rory Sweeney.
Surprisingly, he says he doesn’t particularly like writing - it’s the performative aspect he loves most.
“I love performing. My end goal is always, when am I gonna get to perform? Performance is very intense, and it’s almost like a car crash. You can’t keep your eyes off it, but it’s hard to watch,” he explains.
Citrus Fresh started his musical journey as a DJ.
“If I’m being honest, I wanted to get into pubs and clubs and I couldn't get in because I was 16. If I was a DJ, they'd have to get me in,” he laughs.
“But then, when I was actually performing, I went, ‘holy sh*t, I love this’. Not that I need to be the centre of attention or anything, but I do like to be the entertaining person. I like to entertain people. And it took me a good couple of years then after that to actually try and perform my own music.”
The rapper would describe himself with the same words he would use to describe his music - impulsive, chaotic and emotional.
Something that transpires whenever he is on stage.
“I like to be intense without being weird, if that makes sense. For ages, I tried to go down the live band route. I just thought ‘there's not enough space for me to run around and belly flop on the stage, power bomb myself somewhere’, you know? It’s almost like a gym session for me, just go as mad as possible without scaring people,” he laughs.
Two months ago, Citrus Fresh was diagnosed with ADHD, a diagnosis he says has made him feel worse.
“It actually almost made me feel worse. Once I had a definitive answer, it’s like I didn’t believe that I have it, even though I was told that I have it. I feel like I've been harder on myself since I've gotten the diagnosis, for some reason than beforehand,” he ponders.
“I always had an idea that I had it, but I didn’t realise that I kind of used it almost as an armour. I suppose I had another ego, but it’s not just like my life performance is an exaggerated version of myself.”
Subconsciously, he may have used his hyperactivity as a defence mechanism.
“I've always used that chaos or the hyperactivity, and it's always folded well for me. I think I've always subconsciously used the hyperactivity as a defence mechanism, using it to my strengths rather than using it as a weakness without realising it.”
Now, he says he’s doing really well. “I’m checking my own behaviours and keeping myself in check and not going too mad, but I definitely have a bit of a mental battle with it for sure. I can’t really describe it, but I’m trying to not be hard on myself, essentially.”
Perhaps it explains why he finds it hard to focus when he is in public at a gig.
“I’ve always found it very hard to watch gigs, to keep my attention. I'm definitely in the minority with this, but a lot of the time I actually prefer listening to music on my own with my headphones than being at a gig.
"The best experiences in my entire life have been when a live performance has actually drawn me into where I can take my eyes off the thing when it grabs you,” says Citrus Fresh.
After collaborating with several artists on Good Grief, Citrus Fresh created bonds like no other - and realised those he collided with were grieving too, in their own way.
“Even Jordan, Strange Boy, we'd both be from the north side in Limerick and I've sh*t and he has sh*t going on. I think me and him giving each other the opportunity to get into our room and make something that's literally as raw as it possibly can be. There’s almost this bond that we have now that's nearly unspoken,” he smiles.
You can now listen to Citrus Fresh's new album, Good Grief, via Bandcamp.