Tony O’Donoghue would get more than he bargained for if he started interviewing junior soccer managers, writes our secret columnist this week.
Watching Ireland v Georgia last Sunday evening after an epic All-Ireland Hurling Final was like being forced to wait around and watch the barstaff clean up after your 40th birthday. Boring beyond belief after a whirlwind of a night.
What almost made up for it though was Tony O’Donoghue’s post-match interview with Martin O’Neill. Tony’s been throwing a few sneaky digs at Irish managers over the last few years and O’Neill, a clearly intelligent human being, gave as good as he got without losing it completely and clobbering the RTE presenter, for which he would be surely be forgiven.
O’Donoghue could do worse than come down and interview our manager after a Sunday morning game. He could set up just down from the boiler room in front of the notice board that names and shames those who haven’t paid their subs yet and has the most ignored sign in junior football ‘No Boots Beyond This Point’.
After we’ve put in a particularly pathetic performance, the boss would be apoplectic with rage and is always the last one back into the clubhouse because he’s been tearing into the referee, threatening to withhold his fee and slash his tyres.
TOD: So Gaffer, what are your thoughts after that game
Gaffer: My thoughts? I’ll tell you my thoughts Tony, I think that was the worst performance of any team ever in the history of this club. My father was one of the founding members Tone, do you mind if I call you Tone? And I’ll tell you this for nothing, he’d be sickened by what went on out there this morning.
TOD: Surely you’re being a bit hard on the boys Gaffer, the game could have gone either way after the equaliser.
Gaffer: I’m going to stop you there Tone, because I knew you were going to say that. After the equaliser a good team would have pushed on. Not these soft ba***rds though. Sure I had to collect four of them this morning, they want everything done for them. I’ll be telling them where to go when they come looking for their expenses in a while I’m telling you now.
TOD: Do you think the sending off changed the complexion of the game?
Gaffer: The complexion? What are you on about man? Sure it was 11 men against ten Tone, of course it changed the game. Sure we had to stick the sub keeper up front on his own because half the lads on the card weren’t registered and the other half have a match with the Bs this afternoon. And another thing, I don’t know what game that ref was watching but it was never a foul, not to mind a red card. But what do you expect? I was shouting at the man all morning and he gave us nothing, sure what’s new. The council will be hearing about this on Tuesday night.
TOD: The switch by the opposition from a low pressure game to pressing you high seemed to take your boys by surprise, what can you tell us about that?
Gaffer: The what? Sure I’m the only one under pressure here Tone, it’s my neck on the chopping block, not those 11 fools. Hot chicken rolls a few of them arrived in with this morning Tone, hot chicken rolls. No wonder half of them couldn’t move and sure young Ryan had a bag of eight sausage rolls in his fist when I picked him up. Eight! Straight out the window they went, I don’t care how hungover he was.
TOD: Finally, a tough game coming up next weekend, how will you prepare for that?
Gaffer: I’ll tell you what Tone, if I catch any of them in the boozer tonight I’ll light ‘em. I don’t care if I have to have a drink in every pub in town, I’ll do it. Patsy’s, Austin’s, you name it, I’ll be there. I’m barred from Rashers but I’ll be looking in the door when I’m passing. And as for Tuesday night, they better leave their boots at home because we’re running the bank. Twice. These fellas won’t so much as smell a football until next Sunday and if they think they’re playing in the Junior B county final, they’ve another thing coming. I’ll be on to the brother later on and I’ll tell him he’ll have to do without them. Now good luck.